On the Toukai Way
by Natsu chan
Summary: One shot. Kenshin reflects on the past and the possible future as he walks towards Kyoto. Set at the begining of the Kyoto arc. Please r and r.


Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, a fact that I would hope to be plainly obvious. However, insert the usual disclaimer here in.

Author's notes: I admit to being a poor writer when it comes to one shots. I'm prone to waffling and one shots do rather restrain waffling by their very nature. This one shot is set as Kenshin is walking on the Toukai way during the first day or so after saying goodbye to Kaoru. After that final scene of Kenshin and Kaoru we don't see anything of Kenshin until two days after he leaves. I have based this loosely on a combination of the anime and manga. However I've only read transcripts of the manga since the manga itself isn't available here.

It was pointed out to me that I'd managed to misspell a few names. Thanks for pointing that out hopefully it's fixed now.

Glossary:

Shishou: master

Hitokiri: assassin, literally one who slays men.

Aku, soku, zan: slay, evil, immediately. Saitou's reason for being more or less.

**

* * *

**

**On the Toukai Way**

My feet lead me on to Kyoto. Only my feet and resolve carry me forward. Ironic really, Kyoto is the one place I'd rather not go. I've avoided it for ten years, however it seems I can no longer avoid it or the past that goes with it. I think deep down I've known that for a long time, but I'm stubborn. Even at 14, I was stubborn, stubborn and foolishly idealistic. Shishou was right about that but I never could leave things alone.

Behind me, behind me is Tokyo. Sitting peacefully in the sun, they must all be angry with me now. I can't help that. I can't leave this alone either. _'Ten years . . . it's only two words. But to live it is a long time.'_ Saitou was right, but still the dark claws of Kyoto are reaching out towards me. The Ishinshishi, the Bakumatsu, and the name Battousai they follow me relentlessly. _'It's my own fault,'_ I tell myself, _'I got myself into this. Shishou, Katsura-san they all knew what would happen only I was blind to what the future held.'_ Frustrated by these thoughts that have hounded me since I said sayonara to Kaoru, I walk on. I know that is the main source of my bad temper. That and the fact I am continually being dragged into things I'd rather not get involved in. Buddha it seems gains great amusement from throwing me everlasting into conflict. My feet carry me on. Five days Saitou said. Five days doesn't give me anytime for loitering.

I can still feel the vicious tingle of the blood in my veins from my fight with the wolf of Mibu. He really is the wolf of Mibu. Still feel the ache in my chest from Saitou's katana. The ringing after effects of Battousai in my blood. Sickening how easily I fall back into the hitokiri. I find myself scuffing the ground with my feet in childish irritation, and scowling at the same surface as if it was the source of all my frustration. I have tried so hard to step away from the past and the name Hitokiri Battousai, but I just can't shake it. And Saitou, my scowl deepens. I respect the man, Saitou is a true samurai in every sense of the word. A brave, proud man an outstanding swordsman and he sticks to his beliefs. Aku, soku, zan, he'll live by it until he dies. I can't easily get along with the man though. A wolf is a wolf, a hitokiri is a hitokiri. Is that really true? I've spent ten years trying to prove it wrong. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps a hitokiri _is_ only that until he dies, but I gave my word. I gave Tomoe my word.

I shiver a little at that. The name Tomoe like the name Battousai is connected to a tsunami of memories I'd rather not think about. Despite this for a moment my mind is filled with the image of bloody snow, my senses with the scent of white plum. My fingers from long habit follow the scar on my cheek. I gave her my word, I have carried that with me for so, so long. I can't easily let it go. Yet I still waver dangerously, between the rurouni and the hitokiri. In truth I'm neither, a fact I hide from everyone. The hitokiri is so hated, so feared, so deeply rejected. That young passionate, foolishly naive man I was, for all the blood he shed he has suffered deeply. He was and is a part of me that frightened, sickened young man, rejected and feared by one and all. As guilty as I feel for all those lives I took under the words heaven's justice, there are the odd moments when I wonder if it hasn't all been enough. I sigh and look up along the path. Just myself and my thoughts again, it's going to be a long walk to Kyoto.

As for the rurouni, the clueless apparently innocent rurouni. At least I do my best to make sure they think so. Hiding myself behind a smiling cheerful, kindly wanderer. I think sometimes that Sano had seen through it. Perhaps they all did, but the Hitokiri laying just under the surface frightens them. They're more comfortable with the wide eyed, friendly rurouni. With that safe harmless man who seems happy to spend his life cooking and washing clothing. Mind you I think I could be happy that way, I was, so very happy. I shrug, trying to push off the thought of Sano and Tokyo of what Yahiko so proudly calls the kenshingumi and more painful still of Kaoru. Kaoru's tears trickling on to my kimono, and a few sliding just inside the loose collar. Warm, wet tears. I find myself staring at the ground again. I know what the problem is of course, I just don't like admitting to it. Everyone seems to know, clearly I haven't done a very good job of hiding my feelings. _'Said your goodbyes to the Kamiya girl? Sorry, a slip of the tongue.'_ Saitou voice rings in the back of my head, I git my teeth. He's right of course I couldn't bear just to walk away without saying goodbye, and even that hurt far more than I'm willing to admit. Ah well I'm stubborn as I say.

There was that odd connection between us. I never questioned it but I never quite understood it either. She didn't care about my past, I don't understand that either. I wonder if she can ever forgive me. I heard her drop to the earth crying as I walked away, it took all my resolve not to turn back and comfort her. I sigh inwardly and hold my head up trying not to let my thoughts show. The amount of mixed messages I've given that poor girl. I suspect Tomoe would wring my neck, or possibly not I can see her saying something apparently harmless. Something apparently harmless, that would leave my mind churning for days. I wonder if she minds that another is encroaching on what up until recently has been her exclusive domain. All that fire and courage. A samurai's daughter, I curse myself a little, legendary hitokiri I might be but I'm also just a farmers son. The only reason I've two names in the first place is because of Shishou.

Hmm Shishou, it seems to me I might well need to track down my Shishou and go crawling back. The idea doesn't fill me with enthusiasm. Not from either perspective Shishou himself or crawling, in fact it's the idea of crawling I like least, and I can't imagine Shishou accepting me back if I don't crawl. My pride doesn't like the idea of crawling one little bit. Oh well we'll see that'll do for plan B. Heaven knows I don't want to go crawling back to that conceited…. Well indeed no crawling unless I have to. I have to admit part of my reluctance is due as much to my pride as not wanting to hear Shishou's long winded I told you so. Saitou irritates me no end but at least he gets straight to the point. I push Shishou and Saitou out of my mind ruthlessly. Which unfortunately just leaves thoughts of Kaoru more space to bloom.

Funny how that short time at the dojo made me realise just how much I was missing. I never realised how much we need as men to feel another persons acceptance and how continual rejection burns us from the inside. Until I ran into Kaoru I'd forgotten, she reminded me forcefully of how much I was missing. Such simple things like human touch. Just another human touching you not in anger or violence or even revulsion, but with warmth and affection. I'd forgotten how much we need such things to feel whole. I remember her fierce hug of relief after the fight with Saitou. She put her hand on the worst of my wounds, it hurt but it was good to be so warmly embraced.

There were a lot of things I'd deliberately ignored or forgotten. That funny little desire I'd feel to try and get her to smile. I couldn't understand myself, but I couldn't help myself either. I found myself drifting into uncertain territory without ever realising it. I said sayonara, but I can still feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest. Still feel her warmth and her helpless grief. I wonder if I've caused you to hate me Kaoru? I know Sano will be angry. Yahiko too I imagine, I'm not sure about Megumi. The memory of Megumi and her collar bounce up into my mind. No I think she too will be hurt and angry. In the end it's the idea of Kaoru hating me that burns the most. I had no choice. Kaoru and Tomoe, what is it about me and trouble? I sigh. Kyoto is ahead and so too is my destiny what ever that happens to be.

(2004)


End file.
